I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
