my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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