I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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