I'm lost and stupid without you.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize