cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
