she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
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being pregnant is like rehab
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
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I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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