Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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