The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
im on a boat
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