I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
