Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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