You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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