So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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