Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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