i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
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I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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