The maid of honor just puked.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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