rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
