Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
