I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
