Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
