Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.