the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.