i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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