I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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