Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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