just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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