Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
