i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
