Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I need water and some morals
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
