Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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