So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
