I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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