if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
