I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
