Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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