Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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