i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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