Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
