My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
