i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
