I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
