I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
