So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
