saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
