My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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