i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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