I love black thongs
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?