I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I am one with the molecules
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
