every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
