Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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