I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
