so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
