dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
