HIV tests are more positive than that guy
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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