I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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