ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
