youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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