No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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