haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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