you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
