I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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