dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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