Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
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someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
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