you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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