There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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